The Eggplant Post

White House Accuses Iranian Regime of Clubbing Baby Seals

EP: Washington, DC – Washington DC – The White House today made another series of shocking accusations against Iran and its ruling clerical regime. “We have evidence that members of the Iranian government regularly club to death baby seals” said White House spokesman Jay Carney. Carney, speaking to reporters at the White House Press Room, described video evidence acquired by intelligence officials in graphic detail. “They were beaten and just stopped moving” he added, fighting back tears.

Republicans and Democrats alike expressed outrage at the Iranian government. “This is just another example of a rogue state behaving outside the bounds of the civilized world” said Senator Joe Leiberman. Leiberman plans on holding congressional hearings to investigate baby seal safety both in the United States and abroad. Lieberman also said he felt “compelled” to point out that there have been no reported incidents of baby seal clubbing in Israel since its founding in 1947. “Israel is a baby seal friendly country, just like America” he added.

Political strategist Jeff Williams said that these fresh accusations against Iran will likely resonate more viscerally with the American public. “We have seen a lot of tough talk coming out of Washington over the nuclear issue, but I think the average American is more likely to pay attention to indiscriminate violence against a cute baby seal.”

Some claim the grainy footage of the seal clubbing is a hoax, part of an effort by pro-war factions within the US government working with the media to manufacture consent for another Middle East conflict. “These people are likely working for the Iranians” stated Williams.

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