The Eggplant Post

Republicans Agree to Raise Taxes on Homeless

Ep: washington, dc – In the wake of a near unprecedented default this past August, Republican congressional leaders signalled their willingness to compromise with Democrats on raising revenue in addition to cutting spending as part of an overall effort to address the rising national debt. “There are a lot of reports out there talking about Republican intransigence” said Republican House Majority leader John Boehner. “As a matter of good faith and to demonstrate our willingness to compromise, congressional Republicans have agreed to raise taxes as part of an overall plan to address our nation’s spiraling debt.”

While Boehner said details of the plan would be revealed in the coming weeks, he confirmed that the majority of the tax increases will be targetted at the homeless, one of the fastest growing segments of the population. “Homeless people have been walking the streets and using public facilities at a rate greater than your average American. As their numbers continue to grow, these people need to realize there is no free lunch in America, they should be paying their fair share” said Senator Max Baucus, a key Democrat in support of the tax increase.

When asked by reporters how the homeless will be expected to pay taxes when they have no income, Baucus replied that the committee was considering organ donation and blood transfusions, but recognized the limitations of such an approach. “Yes I understand many of these people are on drugs and have various diseases, so there will be a lot of health concerns around the process, however we are looking at new technologies that could mitigate these risks.” Baucus’ wife was recently appointed Vice President of Sales and Marketing for Healthstar, one of the largest organ transport and transplant companies in the country.

In exchange for the tax increase, congressional Democrats agreed to cut federal support for low-income housing and homeless shelters. “We believe in shared sacrifice, and it is only fair that everyone in our country tightens their respective belts so we can get this deficit under control” said Baucus.

Critics of the plan argue that raising taxes on the homeless is motivated by political expediency. “They are raising taxes on the homeless because they don’t vote” explained Jefferson Fredericks, a director of political research at the Brookings Institute. “It’s disappointing, but it doesn’t surprise me” said Edgar Davis, a homeless man from Cleveland, Ohio who plans to hitchike to Canada.

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